been some time
i havent logged into this in so long, i almost forgot my password. what a pain in the ass. i change my passwords too often. so, update on me...umm, nothing new. same shit, different day. got school in ten day, really not looking foward to that.

voids
my spirit aches. i have the desire to go somewhere far, far away, and possibly not return. cowardly, i know. you dont need to tell me. but i think everyone wants to start over sometimes. become that stranger who appears that no one knows anything about, and lie about your past, and do things right..a second time. but that isnt going to happen, and we all know that. but i though it worth mentioning. funny how when you're like this, you can feel pain deep down in your chest, and you know it's because of your emotional state. ::sigh:: someone drown me.

reclusive, soon to be
i feel myself drifting from people. and i feel some people drifting away from me. im abandoned.

Fuck Xangazon!
as you can tell, im sure, im in a wonderful mood. yeah fucking right. but that really isnt the point. see what im currently reading? well, when i went to search for it, i typed it in exactly, and i had to click "more results" twice to find it. and not one other fucking book in the fucking search is fucking called fucking GOD KNOWS. damn bastards.

solitude just isnt healthy for my personality
it isnt that im upset. really, im not lying. im in too much of a bad mood to be that sarcastic. im really not upset. im just...i dont know what to call it. really fucking bored. that doesnt cover it though. oh well. i could go for a bullet right now... im glad no one reads this anymore, i can be as sick and sadistic as i want to, and no one's gonna give me a hard time about it.

memories
does anyone remember in the movie "The Ring" when the horse fell off the boat? apparently, im the only person i know (besides my loyal sidekick) that laughed at that. tough shit, eh?

"congratulations, you're on step closer to hitting bottom."
another one of those days, you could say. it almost makes one want to go into a state of denial when seeing that all their problems are completely and totally unrelated to the external. ::nods:: yeah, it's all my fault. but then, it's funny. i can waste lots of time blaming the way things are, when in reality it's all about the way i am. this is all a part of the big self-help, self-therapy thing. i guess the first step in any recovery program is admitting that there is a problem. tougher than it sounds. it's a real self-esteem lift, knowing how screwed up i am. "oh, matt, you're not screwed up." perhaps im just a really good actor. i dont know whether this is facing reality, or self-abuse. the line between the two is so thin, especially for someone like me.

mere moments of quiet reflection
isnt it sad how so many of us think it's almost sin to take care of ourselves. i know so many people, self included, that spend all enegy worrying and taking care of other people, while abandoning self. and the thing is, well, maybe it's true that we go to hell not for what we've done but what we havent. unoriginal, but still brilliant. im trying to achieve a balance. regain that equilibrium of self and lack of self. the balance of you and me. for someone with hangups such as mine, this could be somewhat difficult.

this should make you feel Greeeat
we're raised in a culture so overbearing that we're taught everything we're supposed to want or think or the way we're supposed to act, so much so that everything in us is completely unoriginal. everything we think was put in our heads. everything we want, we were told to want. we're taught to break the law, while at the same time we're taught to obey it. we're taught not to be materialists, while society tells us all our ills will be cured by following the consumer path, making us believe the lie that aquiring more stuff will bring happiness. society is disgusting. consumer culture is more than disgusting.

a better mood, a different outlook
im thinking about school more and more. but not in that usual i-dread-the-thought sort of way. and not woo-hoo-im-a-senior either. im not gonna be all cocky and act like i own the school. im not that lame. i am thinking about getting my life together, though. ok, so im only 16 (until saturday), but i still plan everything out. obsessive compulsive tendencies, i guess. if you really want to blame something. ::shrugs:: well, this school year is supposed to be really cool for me, cause im only taking 3 real classes. everything else is basically an elective or independent study. so im hoping it goes quickly..then off to college. im really excited about that. and not in my usual cant-wait-to-move-outta-here way either, just excited about moving onto the next stage in life. sorry to all of you who want me to stick around. you're welcome to those who want me the hell out... well, anyway, yeah.

driving
one thing everyone gives me a hard time about...me not driving. well, im getting my permit on monday, hopefully. and my mom gave me her support by giving me a key to her car..so it's all good.

back to the routine, finally!
for some reason, im a very very very very self-disciplined person. i have a very very very strict daily routine, and if im forced to break routine (by, say, going down to tennesee), it's really frigin hard for me to get back in the groove. like i havent even been taking my vitamins. i think thats just a combination of laziness and forgetfulness, but yeah. but anyway, im finally getting back to the old schedule. like, i went to the gym today, and i got some ideas to get writing again. so hopefully i'll be sending some stuff out soon.